1. There was a man who had a bad day at work. The boss was getting mad at him, and clients were unsatisfied. When the time came to be Friday, he drove home, exhausted, and happy the week was over. On this man's way home he was passing a diner. Nobody was waiting for him at home, so he decided to stop there. He got in and was promptly seated. He ordered a Root Beer and the since the service was super speedy he got his Root Beer and some peanuts right away. He took a long, relaxing sip of Root Beer and cracked open a peanut and popped it in his mouth. He heard a deep, loud voice, "You look nice today!" The man look around the dinner place to see if he knew anybody, or if anbody was lookng at him. Nobody. He figured he had overheard someone else say that. He continued his snack. Another sip, another peanut. "What a great tie!" The man swore the voice was directed to him. Despite this, nobody was directing their attention toward him. The meal continued. he took a sip and crunched a peanut. "Tim, you are just a great person." This is weird, he thought. His name was Tim and these voices were all telling the truth! He raised his hand and called the waiter over. He told the waiter, "I know this sounds weird, but I am hearng voices in my head." The waiter nodded and said, " Let me guess. They are saying nice things to you." Tim nodded. The waiter smiled, " It's because those peanuts are complimentary!"
2. What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus!
3. I invented a new word! Plagarism!!!
4. An old lady at the bank asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over
5. I'm so good at sleeping. I can do it with my eyes closed.
6. Why is Peter Pan always flying? He Neverlands.
7. When you look really closley, all mirrors look like eyeballs.
8. I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting larger, until it hit me.
9. Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind, it's tearable.
10. During what month do people eat the least? Feburary, it's the shortest month.
11. There was a little French town with a very little amount of people and a chruch that made a sound so pretty that farmers stopped farming to listen to the beautiful sound. One day, the bell stopped making the soun that was so loved. Therefore, a group of people went up to the bell tower and tried to see what the problem was, they couldn't figure out the problem. They tried everything but couldn't find that sound that was so wanted. Then all of the sudden a man tripped and his head bumped against the bell. The sound produced by his head and bell contact was perfect! It was the sound, the one that stopped farmers in their tracks. So, for the benifet of everybody they asked for the man to do it again, he agreed and did it again, but missed the bell tower and toppled to the ground. Everyone rushed down to help the man, he was ok, but had fainted. as they waited for him to wake the people realized that they had no idea who the man was. They asked villagers all around, but nobody knew who he was. Finnaly they asked the odest person in the village to come out of his house and figure out who the person was. He came out and told the people, " I am not sure who this man is, but his face surely rings a bell."
12. What do you call a parade of rabbits hoping backwards? A receding hare-line!
13. Did you hear the joke about broken pencil? Nevermind, it's pointless!
14. Did you hear the joke about the pizza? Nevermind, it's too cheesy!
15. Who says sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me? Someone who has never been hit by a dictionary.
16. What nails do carpenters hate to hit? Fingernails!
17. Did you hear about the person who lost the whole left side of his body? Don't worry, he's alright.
18. Do you know sign languge? You should learn, it's so handy!
19. If you are cold just stand in a corner, it's always 90 degrees!
20. What's the difference between a bench, a fish, and a bucket of glue? You can't tune a bench but you can tuna fish. I bet you got stuck on the bucket of glue part.
21. A sandwich walks into a bar, the bartender doesn't serve him and says, "Sorry we don't serve food here."
22. What did the farmer say when she lost her tractor? Where's my tractor?!